apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
