Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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