There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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