He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
