there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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