So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
