my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
