I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
