I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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