So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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