I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
