do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
