My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
