Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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