You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
