My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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