im drinking this country out of the recession.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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