I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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