My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just cropdusted the office
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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