"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
