The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
