Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
