I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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