im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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