pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
