i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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