If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
