Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
