My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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