No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
