i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
