My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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