He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
