Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
