I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
