I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
