I'm so fucking centered right now
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We named our party play list daddy issues
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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