I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
