Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
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