3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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