Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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