That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
