Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
