just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
