How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
