I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
