Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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