I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
