she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
