you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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