grandma shit on top of the toilet
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
