I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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